We have officially gone through all the “firsts.” Some days were easier than others and some was pure torture. I can’t sit here and tell you that things are any easier but I CAN tell you that I have learned how to deal with many things. Not to say that things don’t catch me off guard because they do. I can’t say that I am happy but I can smile and laugh and actually mean it! It’s not everyday but they are there. I can now say I have had a good day. A lot of times they are followed by a few really bad days but I know a good day will be coming soon. So my advise to others going through grief, hang on to those good days because early on, they are few and far in between. I am not saying this to discourage anyone but grief is real and it’s a hard journey but you can enjoy the blessings that are out there for you. The further you WORK through the stages of your grief, (it doesn’t go away on its own) you one day realize that you had a good day and they are more frequent but different than before. You are learning to live a different life.
After dealing with the holidays and Justin’s birthday, he would have been 20 yrs old, new layers of grief have been revealed. I have decided it is time for counseling again. In my previous posts, you see that I believe in faith and counseling. There for awhile, there was nothing new that I was going in with so I didn’t feel the need. Now there is. Some old things have resurfaced that I need to learn to work through, again. They aren’t as bad as they were before. I have now come to the understanding that I have to let some things go. The thing I have to let go is not understanding why Justin went through what he went through in his last moments. I’ll never understand it and, to tell you the truth, I can’t see any reason good enough to lose Justin. See why I have CHOSEN to work through something that is holding me back from the good of Justin? All the good memories we have of him, his voice, his laughter. Everything Justin! I know that Justin wants good and happiness for his family. That’s who Justin was and always will be. Today Danny Goeke’s song, “There’s Hope in Front of Me,” keeps going through my head. That may be God and Justin’s way of saying there is more good to come. God bless and I hope to hear from you because I know that I am not alone in grief. Is there anything that could help me or someone else?